This summer I had the opportunity to travel for 14 days into
the depths of Desolation and Labyrinth Canyons in the heart
of Utah whitewater rafting on the beautiful Green River. Initially,
I was not afraid. The best way to describe what I was feeling
would be "no emotion." As a socially active fifteen-year-old
girl, I didn't want to leave my friends, nor anything with
which I was comfortable.
Outward
Bound policy is to have each person step outside the boundaries
of that with which they are comfortable. With each step a
new fear arises, but also old fears disappear. Outward Bound
began 35 years ago. Its mission is to challenge teenagers,
as well as adults, to perform tasks that go beyond perceived
physical, mental and emotional limits so as to enhance their
belief in themselves and their capabilities.
The trip was truly the first journey of my self-discovery.
Challenges and fears stared me in the face everywhere I turned.
We had four amazing instructors teaching, guiding, and nurturing
us throughout the trip. Their strength of character and joy
in life were inspiring.
The first challenge, and one of the hardest, was making new
friends and hoping they would accept me. In our society, we
are judged by our outward appearances. On this trip we were
able to glimpse into the souls of those with us. We became
open and trusting. "Inward bound" is what it really
was; isolated from the outside world, we were there just for
each other, with strength, support, and love. Many times we
held each other's lives in our hands as we climbed and rappelled
cliffs. Trust was also a huge factor--if ever that trust was
broken you were lost. Love was another factor without which
we could not have survived. We adopted our instructors' motto,
"My love will not fade away".
On
several occasions I was faced with challenges I thought I
could never conquer. The first was rappelling down a 60-foot
cliff! As I stood at the bottom looking up at what I was about
to do, it never dawned on me that I was actually going to
do it. When my turn came, my instructor showed me what to
do and courage washed over me as I stepped to the edge. Slowly
I looked down--what hit wasn't fear; it was the familiar feeling
of "I can't." On a deeper level, I knew I could
and I would. Later, standing at the bottom and looking up
again, I smiled and said "Hell, yeah! I can conquer the
world!"
The journey eventually led us all into the depths of a canyon
where we each spent 24 hours alone. We were only allowed to
bring a sleeping bag, a gallon of water, some food, and a
notebook for writing. Sitting alone on the canyon ledge did
not frighten me and I thought more in that one day then I
have in two weeks during my life at home. The journey through
my soul was hard; I faced things about myself that I wasn't
able to confront before.
Looking at the depths of Labyrinth Canyon, I stared into
the heart of my fears. Fear stared back through red eyes,
which like the colors of the canyon, slowly changed through
the day to a glowing yellow. As the moon began to rise over
the steep canyon walls, so did my feelings. The flaws I saw
within myself shamed me, but the virtues I began to see built
me up. I felt so strong and beautiful and amazing - but with
a sense of humility that was also overwhelming. I realized
that by accepting myself others would accept me, and by loving
myself I am invincible.
The next morning as the sun rose, I sat in my sleeping bag
watching the sunrise and my heart was calm and filled with
such strength, clarity and freedom--total utopia. I re-entered
camp that same morning a different person, with a deep sense
of humility, strength and, most important, love.
The last and most brutal part of the journey was when a partner
and I carried a heavy (hundred plus pound) canoe up three
miles of steep windy roads. As that canoe sat heavy on my
head I was overcome with pain, it felt as if my back would
break. We were told before we set out to let our anger carry
us, but I had no anger, only a deep hurt -- one caused by
the pain of self-doubt. I desperately wanted to complete this,
only to prove that I could.
The emotional connection between my partner and myself was
incredible; in our support for each other we found true inner
strength. As we climbed, the pain became too much to bear
for us both. We broke down, but we were there for each other.
When we reached the top, I was overcome with such joy, such
peace, excitement, and love all wrapped into one.
Now,
my friends and my experiences are precious memories. Letting
go was hugely painful. Returning to 'reality' has been a very
difficult transition. But the one thing I have that no one
can ever take away is that I now know I can conquer the world
- whatever world I might be facing. I hope to call on that
experience whenever I feel down or whenever I need love. I
know that all my new friends are out there somewhere and they
care, they lived it with me. My love will never fade away.
Outward
Bound policy is to have each person step outside the boundaries
of that with which they are comfortable. With each step a
new fear arises, but also old fears disappear. Outward Bound
began 35 years ago. Its mission is to challenge teenagers,
as well as adults, to perform tasks that go beyond perceived
physical, mental and emotional limits so as to enhance their
belief in themselves and their capabilities. 
On
several occasions I was faced with challenges I thought I
could never conquer. The first was rappelling down a 60-foot
cliff! As I stood at the bottom looking up at what I was about
to do, it never dawned on me that I was actually going to
do it. When my turn came, my instructor showed me what to
do and courage washed over me as I stepped to the edge. Slowly
I looked down--what hit wasn't fear; it was the familiar feeling
of "I can't." On a deeper level, I knew I could
and I would. Later, standing at the bottom and looking up
again, I smiled and said "Hell, yeah! I can conquer the
world!" 
Now,
my friends and my experiences are precious memories. Letting
go was hugely painful. Returning to 'reality' has been a very
difficult transition. But the one thing I have that no one
can ever take away is that I now know I can conquer the world
- whatever world I might be facing. I hope to call on that
experience whenever I feel down or whenever I need love. I
know that all my new friends are out there somewhere and they
care, they lived it with me. My love will never fade away.
